Explanations
by Evil Cheese Of Doom
Summary: Group of one-shots about character differences between book and film. Haldir's hair. Saruman's robes. Tom Bombadil in general. Glorfindel in general.
1. Hally's Hair

EXPLANATIONS  
  
More might possibly come. Read and review please! Here comes the attempt to dodge flames by claiming that this is my first displayed LotR fanfic.  
  
Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. The original concept belonged to JRR Tolkien and the rights have been bought by New Line Cinema. And of course Sauron owned the title of 'Lord of the Rings' because of his... kindness... yes... kindness, precioussssss... ¬¬

Many thanks to Karri and Iremray of the Darkened S and countless others for correcting and checking me. Someone who can't tell the difference between Leggy and Sexy-Nose (I swear, someone said that Haldir has a sexy nose on a forum somewhere) should be shot. So you have permission to kill me.

?????? Redo and Start ???????

To quote Gandalf, "Many fell creatures exist in the deep places of the world.". There are very few things which surpass a Balrog in its ability to terrify. One of these is your great-grandmother after you stuffed up Christmas dinner by screaming out Eminem lyrics at the table, another your older brother when his guitar string's broken. The worst of these is an elf whose perm didn't go right.  
  
EXPLANATIONS Episode 1: Why _Haldir_ (see? fixed now!) is Blonde  
  
The wails of Haldir, Silvan Elf of Lorien, echoed through Middle-Earth. _The simulacrums of elves looked up from their feast in Mirkwood, which was conveniently set up so as to capture as many dwarves and hobbits as possible, and vanished mysteriously just as a group of dwarvish and hobbit- like adventurers were just about to reach them.  
  
Thorin Oakenshield cursed softly as he realised they were lost. He blamed the hobbit and all was well again._  
  
"What have you done to my hair?!" the elf shrieked. "WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?!"  
  
The hairdresser, being an elf himself, shook in terror as the purple-green eyes of his prince were fixed upon him in anger. The young elf reached a shaking hand to his hair, once a shining rich deep russet, now platinum blonde. "I look like Lady Galadriel!" the shocked archer shrieked. "Why did you do that?!"  
  
"I'm sorry!" the hairdresser squeaked. "Saruman the White sent it to Celeborn! He said it'd do wonders for the hair of the warriors!"  
  
"Saruman the WHITE," Haldir snapped. "WHITE. You should've known it was bleach..." he picked up the bottle. "It even says 'WHITE WIZARD' [1] on the bottle. Why didn't you ask Radagast?"  
  
"Because, lord prince," explained the auburn-haired elf, "Radagast doesn't wash his hair. 'Twould have been like to asking Lord Aragorn what brand of shaving cream he uses."  
  
Haldir nodded. "You have a point there. NOW DYE IT BACK!"  
  
"We don't have any dye..."  
  
The Elf's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "You don't have DYE?! What kind of Elven kingdom is this?!" the now-blonde shrieked. "I want to dye it back!"  
  
"A secret, magical kingdom. It'll grow out in, say, 1000 years," offered Eregorn.{2}  
  
_This time, even the Necromancer had to put in his earplugs, despite the fact that he was merely a disembodied foot{3}. He made a passing comment to one of his dread servants that the soundproof walls surrounding his tower room{4} needed to be checked.  
  
Kili burst an eardrum. Of course, this went unnoticed as he was strung upside down from a tree at the time and thought he was hallucinating. The other dwarves were unconscious and Bilbo was too busy trying to turn off the 'glow' function in his new sword at the time._  
  
Had Haldir known he would have had to go welcome a group of travellers merely 60 years later, he would have stopped fake-fainting and imported some Ar'ol Calaquendi Colours{4}.   
  
[1] Maiatifically Proven! No More Greys! Guaranteed!  
  
{2} NOT Aragorn. 'Aragorn' means 'tree of light' or 'mighty tree'. 'Eregorn' means 'thorn tree'. There's a diff, and it's not just the fact that they have different vowels. 

{3} The Necromancer (Sauron) was a foot before he became an eye. He turned himself into a foot to crush the enemies of his tower, but soon realised that without a leg a foot is useless. Especially against Tinea Chaunts.

{4} He didn't like to be disturbed. And without eyes, the giant fork would have been of no point. What EVIL DARK OVERLORD wants to look like escargot?

{5} Ar'ol own themselves and the name 'Calaquendi Colours' but this was merely product placement due to their WONDERFUL sponsorship. °:)  
  
Sorry this was short, did all I could to stretch it out, ssswear on... the keyboard! Yesss, the keyboard!! My precioussssssss... review ussss pleassssssssee... Shmeagol needssss reviewsessss... preciousssssssss...


	2. Sarry's Robes

_"Thus we meet again, though all the hosts of Mordor lay between us." Aragorn, Battle of the Pelennor Fields._  
  
There are some mysteries that should stay mysteries. Saruman's robing habits is one of those things. Unfortunately, we at EXPLANATIONS are too stupid to make the distinction. And are also too stupid to own Lord of the Rings or any paraphernalia used as product placement within the bounds of this article.  
  
EXPLANATIONS Episode 2: Why Saruman Only Wore White  
  
Saruman glanced into his Palantír (which wasn't there because it compromised the rules of the Wizard Council and he could have his robes dyed khaki). "Oh, Gandalf's coming," he announced. "Gríma."  
  
Wormtongue failed to appear.  
  
"Gríma!"  
  
A black-haired, greasy-looking man (and we're not talking pop stars) refused to pop out of nothingness.  
  
"GRÍMA!"  
  
Wormtongue still didn't appear.  
  
Saruman threw a wizardly tantrum, screaming 'Wormtongue' repeatedly. An Uruk-hai appeared from behind him.  
  
"Lord Saruman," it said harshly but respectfully, "You sent him off to enslave the mind of Théoden King to your evil will."  
  
"Ah yes, that's right!" the White Wizard exclaimed. "So you'll have to wash my robes. Be very careful about how you go about it, if the water is too cold then the colour-change chaunt shall be destroyed."  
  
The Uruk-hai bowed and took the dirty robes basket, diverting his eyes from the ...disturbing... sight of his leader in short-shorts and a singlet top. Saruman watched him leave.  
  
"Ah yes, Clarissa[1]," he said evilly, "You shall wash my robes!"  
  
The White Wizard threw back his head and laughed evilly, stopping only when his hair lost its sleek, shiny Sindarin-wannabe look. He immediately set about giving himself an evil-ageless-wizard makeover, complete with UV- activated multi-coloured nail hardener.

Time Lapse  
  
Clarissa stood in the Orthanc laundry. He didn't usually do laundry; in fact he was more of a seamstressing type of Uruk. He glanced at the turndials. Trust Lurtz to order an Elvish washing-machine. Bloody military types, created without brains so they could fit into their tin hats.  
  
With one hand, he dropped the pile of slightly dirty white robes and used the other to pour half a bottle of bleach ('White Wizard') in. The White Wizard disliked being The Slightly Off-White Wizard, as several Uruks had found when they forgot to remove a stain. The janitorcs were still trying to scrape them off the ceiling.  
  
Spinning one turndial to what he assumed to be 'White Wizard Wash', Clarissa tried to look like he was just standing around in the laundry looking for some crisped Manflesh and beer.  
  
"You know that they run for an hour?" a laundromorc asked him.  
  
"...oh," Clarissa replied intelligently. He left the laundry in search of some socks to darn and Men to crush mercilessly and eat raw.  
  
Yet Another Time Lapse  
  
Gandalf galloped up impressively on his horse. Saruman walked down the stairs and greeted him.  
  
"Alf. My old... FRIEND."  
  
"Sarry. It's nice to see you. I brought our holiday photos."  
  
"Ah. Come upstairs and we'll look at it over a pipe, in my throne room of ultimate ev- I mean, my nice cosy living room, in front of the TV."  
  
"Sounds good," Gandalf replied. He made his way up the great stairs.  
  
Saruman followed him inside. "Holiday photos. You shall regret this slip, old friend."  
  
Time Lapse Number Three  
  
"Sarry! You have turned to Sauron! What happened to the wisdom of Saruman the White?!"  
  
"I am not Saruman the White!" Saruman shouted. "I am Saruman of Many Colours!" He flung out his arms and waited for the robe to flash. It refused. He glanced at the ceiling, and then repeated the gesture. The robe remained a pristine white.  
  
"Well..." Saruman coughed. "I can prove that I'm right and you're wrong."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Go check out my Palantír. It has seventeen channels as well as a direct link to the Dark Lord's chatroom."  
  
"You have betrayed us!" Gandalf shouted, waiting for his staff to blast the Head of the Wizarding Council backwards. It appeared not to work either.  
  
Silence reigned for several minutes, only broken by embarrassed rheumatic coughs.  
  
"Well, I can still blast you through the tower roof," Saruman finally decided, and did so.  
  
_Very soon after that, the Orthanc security tapes were severely altered to show an exciting fight between two wizards, rather than two old men discussing holiday photos. Saruman decided not to go 'Many-Coloured', and Gandalf found a bottle of White Wizard [2] after his "death" when he fought the Balrog.  
  
And they were still trying to scrape Clarissa off the foyer walls when the Ents tore through them.  
_  
[1] Uruks don't seem to understand, do they?  
  
[2] Maiatifically Proven! No More Greys! Guaranteed!


	3. Tommy's Being

"Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow,  
  
bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow. None have ever caught him yet, For Tom, he is the master, His strongs are stronger songs, And his feet are faster." This guy must stick out of a crowd and be seen quite easily. But he did not appear in any of the LOTR movies. EXPLANATIONS searches for spy cameras in the Withywindle as it makes its investigation.  
  
EXPLANATIONS Episode 3: Merry? Yes. Fellow? No.  
  
Tom Bombadil made his way up the Withy Path, arms full of reeds and lily pads. He pushed his door open, and a beautiful sight of green and gold shone in his eyes. The gold-haired River-Daughter sat, in her green dress, among a mass of lilies and reeds floating in various bowls.  
  
"I think we'd better stay in, this time," he told her. "Old Man Willow moved to Fangorn the other day, so we shouldn't have to go track down travellers and rescue them from his clutches."  
  
Goldberry laughed merrily, her voice ringing through the little house like a bell. "But what of the Barrow-wights, Tom?"  
  
"They got a summons from the Dumptruck-wraith," the bearded man replied heartily. "He's decided to keep them as pets."  
  
"That's right," Goldberry smiled. She cupped a lily in her slim fingers. "More time to talk to my flowers."  
  
Tom didn't wonder about Goldberry's sanity. She'd always been like this, so why worry?  
  
Because of the lack of danger, the hobbits totally avoided that part of the forest. Because of the lack of hobbits, Tom had no need to leave the house except on errands for Goldberry. Because of the lack of any disturbance, the trees could sleep for the winter in peace. Because of the trees' sleep, they were not awake.  
  
Next episode is Glorfindel. Enjoy your life until then!  
  
/Sorry about the shortness. There wasn't really much that came to me on the subject of Tom Bombadil that could be used in this context./ 


	4. Oh Glory!

Glorfindel-- just another MPE (Miscellaneous Pretty Elf)? EXPLANATIONS is unaware of what the word 'Glor' means, but (according to the appendices of The Silmarillion) '-findel' means "horror-hair". Was Glorfindel replaced by Arwen not because she looked better in a cheesecloth dress, but because he had a bad hair day? EXPLANATIONS arms itself with a good supply of Arë'ol 2- in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner and combs through the tales.  
  
Episode 4: Where Is The Glory?  
  
A white horse, gleaming in the light, was seen running swiftly through the mist. Its headstall flickered and shone, as if it were studded with gems like faraway combusting globes of hydrogen gas. The rider's hair and cloak streamed behind, cloak providing a beautiful soft-toned background for the long shimmering locks of gold to shimmer and shine prettily against. A white, shining light appeared to glow from the rider's heart and seeming.  
  
That is somewhat unimportant to the happenings of this particular tale, though. What is definitely important is the expression on the grey- eyed face of a beautiful Half-Elven maiden, who was wandering around crying out the name of the only horse in Rivendell.  
  
"Asfaloth!"  
  
"Asfaloth!"  
  
Or, as a variation, "Where are you, Asfaloth?!"  
  
And, occasionally, "Stupid ing horse. Where does it have to go out to, anyway?! It's not like he can shop..."  
  
She paused, and turned to see a dark-haired elf leaning against a wall. "Elladan!" she cried. "Where is Asfaloth?"  
  
Elladan paused in his inspection of the ends of his long, shining black hair. "How should I know?" He bit his Elven-perfect lip and pondered. Quite slowly. Elrond should have been ashamed of the lack of intelligence on the part of his son, but, as he had enough problems with that I'm-Going- To-Be-King Numenorean trying to get with his own great-to-the-power-of-X- aunt, Elladan's incredible ditziness escaped the notice of the Lord of the Last Homely House completely. "I think Glorfindel took him out for a ride. What do you want Asfaloth for, anyway? You can't exactly ride in a cheesecloth dress, Arwen."  
  
Arwen glared at him, still managing to keep her air of Elven perfection. "How do you know, Elladan?"  
  
"I tried it," Elladan replied, now inspecting his fingernails. "Father caught me and withheld my allowance."  
  
"For five hundred years you had to borrow Glorfindel's stuff," Arwen recited. "I know, I know. Do you know where Glorfindel went?"  
  
"Nope, sorry." Elladan picked a bit of dirt from below his thumbnail using his pocketknife. "He never tells me anything. Or at least, hasn't told me anything since we all got drunk at Morgoth's bash at the Nindalf Nightclub [1] in the Second Age and I told Leggy that Glory liked Hally. Word got around pretty fast, considering that Leggy had to go to war the next week."  
  
Arwen rolled her grey (but blue) eyes and walked lightly away, finger tapping the sparkly white jewel at her slim pale neck [2]. Where would Glorfindel be? Where would she find Asfaloth? What had Glory said at dinner last night that made Father choke? Arwen cast her mind back.  
  
Flashback  
  
"Tinuviel! Tinuviel!"  
  
"Freak," Arwen muttered. "Stop following me!"  
  
End Flashback  
  
"That may have been the wrong memory," Arwen mused.  
  
"Hey, Arwen," Elladan called. "Do you have any nail-hardener?"  
  
Flashback Attempt #2  
  
Lord Elrond took a sip of his wine. Silence reigned until Bilbo began to snore. Glorfindel poked the old hobbit and coughed. "You know," he announced, "I've run out of hair-care products."  
  
Elladan's eyes nearly popped out of his head.  
  
"In fact," the golden-haired elf continued, patting his bulging bandana, "I've had to use bubble-bath to clean it out. It's becoming a slight problem."  
  
Elrond coughed. Arwen giggled. Bilbo snored.  
  
"I'll show you."  
  
Glorfindel untied the bandana. Elrond, who had uncharacteristically unwisely begun to drink his next glassfull at that moment, began to turn purple and emit some extremely un-pretty noises.  
  
End Flashback  
  
"I suppose he might be going down to the Onoldo Chemists," the Evenstar reasoned. "They do import exclusive Arë'ol products from the Grey Havens, after all."  
  
"Apparently not," Elladan yelled. "I'll just go ask Elrohir then."  
  
Arwen began to walk to the stables ("Huh. Brothers.") before realising that there was only one horse in Rivendell and her father only created the river-horses for Nazgûl and hawkers. So she sat down and waited for Glorfindel to return. After telling Elrond, of course. Elves can be petty as well as pretty, after all.  
  
The pretty rider eventually tired of riding around in circles and returned to Rivendell. At least his hair was pretty and shiny again. Now all he needed was someone to save and show his hair off to. Unfortunately, he had mistimed his visit to the Grey Havens and arrived at Rivendell several days before the hobbits and Numenorean reached Weathertop. Upon his arrival, he was grounded and a letter was sent to his parents, informing them of his disgrace and ban from all hair-care products and horses for the next century. Arwen, who was in secret correspondence with her great-to-the- power-of-X-nephew, timed her journey perfectly so that she could surprise Aragorn and show off her new dress and glowy body-paint to a cuddly blue- eyed hobbit.  
  
Of course, this led to some confusion on the part of the Nazgûl, who were still referring to Glorfindel as 'She-Elf' at the time of Sauron's demise.  
  
[1] See map 4 in the Appendices and change the 'g' to a 'k'. That makes it more graphic and slightly funny.  
  
[2] People of Elvish descent seem to enjoy staring at useless pretty sparkly trinkets. See Galadriel, Elrond, Arwen, Aragorn, Fëanor and Isidur. 


End file.
